The Sandwich Generation…
What is this? Five years ago, I would have answered it sounded like a new option at our local deli. Now I understand intimately what this means. I am an older mama. The one who had a few heartbreaks before leaning into technology to deliver a beautiful bundle of joy. I suppose I am embracing the culture shift of women in the height of their careers paired with the love of being a mama. There are perks to this. As an older mama, I have the knowledge and wisdom of time on my side. I have stable income, I have flexibility in my career to allow for more freedom and work-life balance, and I am not the 20’s version of myself working full-time at the local coffee shop, interning to accumulate the 3,000 internship hours required prior to completing two state licensing exams while also completing grad school. Well, I suppose I’m not the 30’s version of myself also, building my career, traveling, and establishing myself in both my practice as well as in my community.
As an older mama, I have come head-to-head with the beast of The Sandwich Generation. Full disclosure (as if I haven’t said enough already), my mom has Dementia. She received her Early-Onset Dementia diagnosis just prior to the onset of COVID. I think most of us can point to an aunt, or maybe even grandma or grandpa, who calls us four or five names before landing correctly on our own. We hear the same stories over and over, but they tell us with such excitement it’s almost like they’re telling it for the first time. Well this began long ago for my mom, and after much testing and many doctors, we were given an additional diagnosis of Primary Progressive Aphasia. COVID stripped so many years of life away from her, not only with the naturally progressive impact of Dementia on someone, but also the complexities of isolation and fear of illness living with an immunocompromised husband (my father) who was battling cancer.
The Sandwich Generation: “…A group of middle-aged adults who care for both their aging parents and their own children… Taking care of an elderly parent while caring for your own children is a very time-consuming task. It can really affect your personal time; you are no longer able to do the things that you like to do, relax, sleep, etc. When all of these tasks start consuming your life, you become at risk for mental health problems. Depression and anxiety are a huge risk factor for the Sandwich Generation, [and] are typically at risk for loss of career development. They might be at the peak of their career and have to take a step down and lose their opportunity to be able to help care for their aging parent or growing children.”
Excerpt taken from Wikipedia, originally sourced by: Bowen, C. & Riley, L. (2005). The sandwich generation: challenges and coping strategies of multigenerational families.
The Family Journal, 13 (1), 52-58.
Why is this relevant? Generation X and Millennial generations encompass the largest living adult populations as we stand today. Therefore, if this topic has not become relevant yet, it will very possibly become relevant soon. Speaking for myself, being an “older” mama has allowed for financial freedoms and relevant growth, but is now weighed with the conundrum of how to balance a little dependent one with an aging and dependent parent (or parents). If your family is anything like my own, you will very soon be met with the possibility of embracing the multi-generational household. With this, I wonder how the societal shift will play out in our (U.S. driven) value systems of independence, autonomy, and separation. In our biracial household, we have easily navigated the invitation to bring our parents to live in our home and all live under one roof. Abuela comes to visit with us for multiple months at a time as well (and then all the grandparents are with us), and our aligned values have allowed a smooth process for this to take place. However, the writing is on the wall that this will quickly become a massive family stressor for many of us Sandwich Generationers. As indicated above, these stressors can quickly slide into mental health struggles such as anxiety and depression, and therefore an important consideration as we navigate the ever-changing phases of life.
Open communication, a deep look at our personal value systems, and proper planning will assist in navigation of The Sandwich Generation. Here are some initial questions you may want to ask yourself:
- Do I know where my partner stands with our parents living under the same roof as our children?
- Can I financially see another way to navigate this, in the event that we do not align or we feel that all living together is too great of a stressor?
- Am I emotionally capable of handling the care of my child along with my parent?
- Am I emotionally and physically capable of handling an aging adult and everything that comes with it, including diaper changing, assistance in transferring from a bed to a wheelchair if necessary? Is my home safe for someone with a fall risk?
- What are my resources? Community, friends, additional family members? Did my parents invest in long-term care policies? (Although it goes without saying, these questions are purely ones of consideration and not of recommendations or any discussion of financial planning, which is entirely out of my scope as a Marriage and Family Therapist).
- How do I navigate the discussion of death and dying with my young child?
- Should I consider front-loading some personal therapy to explore my feelings related to this anticipatory phase of life shift?
There are no easy answers to these life experiences. Only a reminder that these delicate situations are very difficult, and to be gentle with yourself and only take on what you feel confident you can handle. As for myself, I am finding comfort in community and comradery. I am actively processing the grief and loss of my mother as I have lost her spirit in the all-engulfing Dementia. I love hearing my son laughing as he plays with his grandparents, and I feel honored to be able to care for my parents during this time of their lives.