There’s a substance called iron pyrite that is known as fool’s gold. It’s an iron sulfide that features a ‘metallic luster’ and a ‘pale brass-yellow hue’ (wikipedia), and it’s these features which caused many prospectors to confuse pyrite with gold. So just take moment to imagine yourself as a gold miner. Imagine working day after day in the hot sun and the cold rain, and imagine the elation when you find a bright, shiny nugget. You think, ‘Hallelujah, my work is done!’ And then imagine the heartbreak when you find that this beautiful nugget is not gold, but a much less valuable substance, called pyrite. What heartbreak!
Now imagine you are not in the California Hills, or even in the Alaskan wilderness, but in a cozy therapy office. Will you know what is gold and what is pyrite? As a therapist, I can offer some guidance on what appears bright and shiny upon discovery, but grows dull and useless as time goes by.
Intellectual Understanding
I would describe intellectual understanding as grounded in logic and substantially different from emotional understanding. Intellectual understanding lives in the head and doesn’t have any emotional resonance. Do you feel emotional when you calculate 2 + 2 or 3 x 3? This is what I mean, it lives in your head. It doesn’t reach into your heart. Intellectual understanding is important, definitely, but it’s limited. It’s the first step, but it’s often where clients stop looking. What I’m searching for in therapy is a deeper and more vibrant understanding. I’m looking for a knowing that starts at the head but sinks all the way down into your body, into your bones.
I cannot tell you how many times a client has understood a new concept intellectually only to stop there. Intellectual understanding is a common plateau, and it does provide relief; however, the relief is only topical and feels much like putting a bit of aloe onto sunburn. There’s some relief but it’s short-lived. The burn still lies underneath. For example, one client understands intellectually the importance and value of self-compassion. I’ve successfully convinced her the value of showing herself as much compassion and love as she shows everyone else. However, we are stuck. Plateau’d on the plane of intellectual understanding. The client’s comprehension of self-compassion is only head-deep. It hasn’t sunk any deeper and her heart remains unchanged. (If you’re in a similar position as the client described above please check out the references below).
Another client understands that his brother’s addiction is not his fault. He also understands that it’s not his job to counterbalance the chaos his brother brings into the family by being the ‘perfect child’. However, this understanding is superficial. He understands it’s impossible to be perfect, but he is still compelled to try, over and over. The rational principle where it’s normal to be flawed and make mistakes only lives in his mind. He understands all of this because he’s smart and logical, but in deeper and truer sense, he does not understand.
The Reason
Another shiny nugget whose lustre often distracts clients is the illusive Reason (reason with a capital R!). The all-important Reason is believed to explain all of the pressing questions that brings a client into therapy, such as, ‘Why do I get so angry with my kids?’, or ‘Why can’t I trust my partner?’, and also, ‘Why do I freeze when my boss asks me a question?’ The Reason is very enticing. Clients, and even therapists ourselves, often think it will solve these difficult questions. I’m here to tell you its often more likely pyrite than gold.
Most commonly, we think Reason will be found in the distant past. Clients spend time in therapy recounting childhood memories such as sibling rivalries or playground interactions. Revisiting the origin is an important part of therapy. Indeed, exploring the past can be a great way to discover underlying patterns and family dynamics. We waste our time however when we dig and dig to find Reason, but cannot connect it to our current experiences and habits, which is the real gold in therapy.
Also, assuming one actually finds the Reason, it feels a little like the dog that caught the car. What the heck are you supposed to do with it? What happens next? Clients often envision that finding the Reason will be an experience akin to discovering gold. Eureka! Everything makes sense! All my problems are gone! But that rarely happens. Your shiny new insight is flat and dull when compared to the anger you feel towards your kids or the anxiety you feel at the company meeting. But how do we heal? Uncovering the origin is the first step. Then we find how we made meaning of the event. We are further helped to realize that the meaning-making caused us harm. The real gold happens when we can instill a different outlook of the event, and our therapist will help guide us to the bigger picture. Then we heal, reconnect in the here-and-now, and create new meaning.
Have you been searching for answers? Are you stuck in the cycle of logic? Have you uncovered some truths about yourself but don’t know what to do next? At Bridges to Understanding Family Therapy Services, we are here to help you heal and grow. You don’t have to do it alone. Located in Healdsburg, California, we offer in-person and virtual services to meet and join you on your path. Give us a call, shoot us a text, send us an email, heck even write us a letter. We will get it and find treatment options that work for you. We are offering same or next-week appointments, and we have evening availability. Don’t get fooled with pyrite, come find the real gold.
References:
Fool’s Gold: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pyrite
Kristin Neff: https://self-compassion.org/
Sharon Salzburg: https://www.sharonsalzberg.com/lovingkindness/
Content drafted by Diana Northness, concept changes and editing by Christy Livingston.