Let’s face it: offering comfort to our friends and loved ones during a crisis is difficult. Many of us feel tongue-tied and overwhelmed. We may feel insecure and worried about making a mistake or saying something that comes across as insensitive. We may even be impacted by the crisis ourselves and therefore have less presence to offer our friends. In these stressful times, we often reach for something ‘safe’, such as “It will get better with time”, or “Just stay positive”. These phrases (and those listed below) are offered by caring individuals with the best of intentions. They are offered in an effort to provide comfort and reassurance, and they often do. However, they describe only a part of the healing process, and there is some danger that they can be misleading. Words shape our perception of reality and so imprecise phrases contribute to our collective myths around coping and healing.
Healing is a complex process. It’s not simple, and it’s not always linear. It takes effort and emotional intelligence to survive and thrive after a crisis. I’ve listed 3 phrases below and we’ve all probably heard at least one, or perhaps we’ve said them ourselves when trying to comfort a friend. This purpose of this post is not to criticize those heartfelt efforts to comfort, but to expand our conversations around healing to bring a more complete understanding that it is a complex process. We will explore the phrases and I’ll offer an alternative or two as well.
‘Time will heal’
As a therapist, this is one of my least favorite maxims. My ears always perk up when I hear a client say this or something similar such as, “I just need some time”, or “I’ll feel better in time”.
I know the core truth being expressed is that time exerts a calming effect on raw nerves right after a crisis. For example, the moment you’ve been wronged, anger is intense and cortisol is coursing through your body. You may feel reactive, and this can be a bad time to make decisions. It is often better to let these intense emotions recede before taking action. Time helps take the sting out of emotional pain and I’m not arguing with that. I am arguing with the implication that time is all that’s needed for healing to occur. Saying “It will get better with time” is incomplete and misleading because it implies that time passing is the only thing that is necessary for improvement and healing. This is dangerous because it lulls us into thinking we can be passive. Unfortunately, healing is a very energy-intensive process and it often needs our active participation in order to come to fruition. Can you think of someone who only grew more bitter towards a situation as time went on? Time is helpful, but it’s not the only ingredient in healing.
Possible alternatives to offer yourself or others; “Things will get easier”, or “Give it some time”, or even “You have permission to take things slowly right now”.
‘You’ll get through this’
I love this phrase and those who offer it. They are trying to offer empowerment and confidence, and who doesn’t need a little boost of that now and then? However, the problem with this phrase is the emphasis ‘You’. It’s saying you as an individual will get through this time. That can focus a lot of pressure on the individual to navigate his/her healing as a solo adventure. Perhaps a more useful phrase would be, ‘We’re here for you to help you get through this’.
The second problem with this statement is a little more subtle. It implies that ‘You’as you are now will get through this difficult time. But life brings us challenges in order to change us. The person you were before this challenging experience may not be (and perhaps should not be) the same person who emerges on the other side of it. What is the purpose of life if not to break us open and invite us to change and improve? I always think of Leonard Cohen’s lyric, “There’s a crack in everything, that’s how the light gets in.”
Possible alternatives to offer yourself or others: “You’re going through a lot; I’m here to help you get to the other side.” “How has this experience changed you?” “What has this brought into your life, and what has this taken away?”
‘Stay positive’ (and all variations thereof, such as ‘Manifest good things’)
As with the first two phrases, I understand the desire to offer this guidance. I know the basic message here is to be mindful of your thoughts and to avoid getting stuck in negativity. I do not disagree with this guidance; negative thoughts are very sticky – and they can create their own gravity in keeping you down. So to be clear, I am all for the power of mindfulness, visualization, and practicing gratitude. However, as a therapist, I am wary when I hear that a client is selectively acknowledging only ‘positive’ emotions, such as happiness, and that he/she is conspicuously avoiding ‘negative’ emotions, such as anger or disappointment.
It is risky to repress emotions for two reasons. For one, emotions are physiological events. They occur in the body in the form of neurotransmitters such as dopamine, GABA, adrenaline, etc, and if you do not express that energy, it will come out sideways. Maybe not today or tomorrow, but eventually these emotions demand to be acknowledged. Second, it is counterproductive. To borrow from Brené Brown, “You cannot selectively numb emotions” (Brené Brown, The Power of Vulnerability: Teachings of Authenticity, Connections and Courage). Therefore, if your goal is to feel happy, you will have to also remain open to all other emotions. If you try to numb distressing emotions such as sadness or anger, you’ll notice your joy and happiness are drained and numbed as well. So to only focus on the negative will be like taking one step forward only to take two steps back.
Possible alternatives to offer yourself or others: “What has been easy and what has been difficult lately?” “What is making you angry/sad, and what are you grateful for in all this?”
Here is my final thought: The re-phrasings above are offered to help guide conversation and take personal reflections to a deeper level. I hope that you may find use in these alternatives as you consider the intention versus the outcome, and may help yourself or another find a deeper understanding of the situation to allow for greater healing.
~ Diana Northness, AMFT