A topic close to my heart, let’s discuss the trend of the nuclear family. Nuclear families are family units that exist in their own family system of parents and their immediate children. This family system is evident in North America, became highly popular in the 1950’s, and is contributing to the isolation and struggle of families today. We are not intended to exist in small units, but in community. These trends are straining our families, with difficulties in the day-to-day duties of blending employment with family. As our economic system is requiring a two-income household to sustain the financial increases in life, we are running around and being spread thin. This leads to, in my opinion and from what I have observed in the hundreds upon hundreds of families I have worked with, stress and disconnect.
A small blip in time, I truly hope we can all reconsider the multi-generational household. As I find myself immersed in the joy of our own household, with my father moving in with us and my mother-in-law spending six months out of the year here from Oaxaca, I see the multigenerational household benefits daily. It not only helps us as parents find relief, also my child can have a closer connection to his grandparents. I find positive aspects for my father as well, as he gets a daily dose of the beautiful chaos of a four-year old, a daily connection with his family, and the comfort of a family home instead of an assisted living facility. After my mother passed, he lost his wife of over 50 years and was absolutely devastated. When many other older adults cannot find a way to move forward in life, he has found a new routine with us living together. The joy my child brings to my father is clear, and the joy my father brings to my son makes this mama’s heart soar.
We are intended for connection and community. The saying, “It takes a village to raise a child” is commonly known because it speaks the truth we have been pushing aside in our new tradition of the nuclear family. Secure attachment, attunement, and bonding are all some of the most crucial components of a developing child, and research shows that children flourish when they have secure relationships with healthy adults… not just one adult, but many positive influences.
To the single parents out there, I see you. I understand that this life path may not have been what you originally intended it to be, and you have become an expert in resourcing. I hope you find value in this topic, that you may find ways to think outside the box with the embrace of community support. To the adults who were raised in chaos, I see you. I understand the idea of a multigenerational household is not feasible for you to maintain safety for yourself and for your children. To the sandwich generation, caring for your parents as though they were children, while also caring for your own children, I see you. I am you. This concept may not help you find reprieve, but add to your already full plate. Every single person, every single household, all holds unique dynamics that I could never speak to in such a general way.
I know it is difficult to accomplish a healthy multigenerational household. It’s difficult to maintain a healthy household no matter what the family circumstance. We all have lingering feelings from our childhood which are difficult to overcome, to process, and to move through with the intention of creating a joyous future. Navigating the power differential as an adult child of a parent and cohabitating once again is no small feat. This is one reason therapy exists: to help you heal from the past, so you can break down barriers, for the possibility of future happiness. As cliche as it seems, we really only have a small amount of time to heal old wounds with a parent. Otherwise, the process of healing with someone no longer alive is a beast, and very difficult once you add in the complexities of feelings surrounding death and how it changes your perception of old events.
Community and connection are foundational aspects I hold true in the services I provide my clients. I believe that in modern times we have become disconnected in many ways, in all systems, not just the nuclear family. I also believe that there are many interventions to support healthy connection with others. People are living longer, and a solution is necessary to support our aging adults. I hope this message sparks an idea for you, or at least brings up future topics of conversation to have with your loved ones. We cannot live on our own little island forever, and reconsideration of the nuclear family setup may be an ongoing open discussion in your household. Whatever the solution, I’d love to hear your thoughts and ideas.
Therapy is one way to have these discussions, and if you find this resonates with you, please know that you are not alone and Bridges to Understanding is here to help. We are only a phone call, email, or text away. Wishing you all the best as you navigate this life, and set the stage for future generations.
~ Christy Livingston, LMFT, RPT-S