What if happiness isn’t the goal?

6 days ago
2 min read

When I sit with clients and ask what they’re hoping for, the answer often has a similar theme: “I just want to be happy.”

It makes sense. Happiness feels good: light, expansive, easy. Of course, we’d want more of that. But over time, I’ve started to wonder… What if that goal is setting us up for something impossible?

Not because happiness is impossible, but because it’s fleeting. Like every emotion, it comes and goes. So instead of asking, “How do I stay happy?” I often invite a different question:

What is your baseline?

Who are you in the absence of strong emotion?

For me, it’s calm and content. Not numb, not flat, but steady. Grounded. Present.

Yours might be different. And that’s the point.

We each have our own emotional baseline, shaped by our experiences, our perspectives, and how we move through the world.

Therapeutic work is not intended to force ourselves into a state of happiness. It’s to understand where we naturally return to, and whether that place feels aligned with who we want to be.

If it doesn’t, the next question becomes:

What’s getting in the way? And is it something within your control?

There’s a children’s book I sometimes share in sessions (yes, even with adults) called Visiting Feelings by Lauren Rubenstein.

It offers a simple but powerful idea: Feelings are visitors. They come. They stay for a while. And then they leave.

Even the uncomfortable ones.

Instead of pushing them away, the book invites us to notice them, sit with them, and understand what they might be telling us.

This is truly the heart of mindfulness.

It’s not changing what we feel, but simply becoming more aware of it.

Warmly,